Sometimes, people send me emails, tweets or comments in which they allege that I must live in a house that has no kitchen, so often do I appear to eat out or purchase takeaway; these messages vary in tone from the slightly spiteful, via simple declaration of fact, through to open admiration. Sadly I must disappoint these misguided souls and point out that I actually cook from scratch most nights of the week, and harbour secret, seductively domestic dreams of opening my own shop, where I will sell home-made dips and other tempting comestibles.
Every so often, though, the only option that appeals is to lie prone on the sofa while a well-trained cat pours wine into your waiting mouth and an equally obedient spouse goes out to track down something calorific in a tray. And last time he was sent out to hunter-gather, what a tray he found - a mighty, magnificent Tray 4 2 from Fosters Fish & Chips. Obviously I was slightly troubled by the use of grammatically incorrect number homophones to represent perfectly good words, but they are good people at Fosters, so I turned a blind eye to the linguistic tomfoolery and instead concentrated on wrestling the lid off the giant tray. Inside I found an army of chips, two giant pieces of fish, tartare sauce and, in little separate tubs, two portions of mushy peas (well, you wouldn't want an unhealthy meal, would you...)
The proud hunter told me this feast had cost but £10.95 - excellent value and, more importantly, easily transported home without the usual issues of bags falling over, chips escaping and rampaging wildly around the car, etc etc. If that wasn't incentive enough, Fosters are launching a competition from 10th June (cunning - just in time to catch the can't-be-bothered-on-a-Friday-brigade) where five golden tickets, each entitling the bearer to free fish and chips for a year, will be hidden inside Trays 4 2. The competition will run until the 5 lucky tickets are found, and Fosters promise there will be winners in both the Didsbury and Alderley Edge branches. The Tray 4 2 is only available in the takeaway, and is only to be sold to me or members of my immediate family until further notice*.
So only one question remains - what exactly constitutes a year's supply? I'll make sure to ask next time I'm in, getting my winning Tray For Two and pointing out that there's simply no need for language abuse when the fish and chips are this good.
*one part of this sentence is not strictly true.