Regular readers may know that, in general, I am quite receptive to most kinds of food and drink; indeed, I like to think of myself as a terribly versatile all-rounder, and have said as much on my CV - I hope this will be a useful quality should my dream job of "paid handsomely to eat food" ever make itself available. However, there ARE a few things I do not care for, and I will bravely list them for you below, trying not to shudder as I type:
1. Coffee. This is an evil, bitter drink, quite possibly brewed by Satan in his fiery workshop. There is no excuse for drinking this vile brew, and you certainly should not add coffee to anything as pure and virtuous as a chocolate cake, particularly if there is a possibility I may wish to eat a slice.
2. Celery. You may as well chew on a length of string.
3. Blackcurrants. Forbidden ever since I drank too much Ribena on a school trip as a child and subsequently did a neat pile of pink sick into my sandwich box.
4. Guinness. You drink because you are thirsty, not because you wish to consume a meal in a glass. Any drink that gives the impression that a slice could be carved off it and served up on a plate is wrong.
5. Whisky. Save yourself a fortune by simply drinking TCP instead; judging by the smell of each, they taste exactly the same.
Now, you may think it would be easy to avoid these fairly random comestibles. Yet once you consider that next Thursday is St Patrick's Day you will realise that this is a very difficult time of year for me *makes sure everyone is looking and puts on brave face* although not for my friends/husband, who are already fighting over who gets my coffee and my whiskey at The Didsbury St Paddy's Day dinner next week.
Anyway, if you're not going to The Didsbury like we are, here's a few other suggestions for amusing yourselves on March 17th:
- rather appropriately, the Jameson Cult Film Club is back in Manchester for St Patrick's Day, and after scaring us all with Aliens last time, this time round they're showing the Ian Curtis biopic Control. This a great film - stylish and sad, really capturing the feel of 1970s Manchester and the rise of the late, great Joy Division. Being sponsored by Jameson, there will naturally be copious amounts of whiskey available, but I am prepared to turn a blind eye to this in light of the venue, which is Manchester Academy 2; I'm certain I have had many worse experiences here than forcing down a drink or two. Also, it's free - just go to the website and become a member.
- The Fat Loaf in Didsbury is promising a St Patrick's Day Dinner featuring "a very special menu using only produce and recipes from within the Irish borders." They have not yet divulged what this produce might be, so you could perhaps amuse yourselves by taking bets on the following possibilities: whiskey, colcannon, whiskey, Irish Stew, whiskey, boxty, whiskey, black/white pudding, whiskey, soda bread, Irish coffee (with whiskey). Give them a ring on 0161 4380319 to see if you're right.
- If you're doing things properly, you ahould really pop along to the Manchester Irish Festival at some point. This is a music and arts festival taking place at various venues across the city until Sunday 20th March, with the festival Parade no doubt leaving a trail of happy revelry in its wake as it makes its way across Manchester tomorrow. St Patrick's Day itself offers a worrying sounding "All Day Party", and anyone who fancies a Guinness (or indeed anything stronger than a nice cup of tea) at 11am can throw caution (and work) to the wind and make merry - full details on the Festival website.
Anyway, I hear the ominous sounds of amateurish Irish dancing coming from upstairs - Mr Liz has clearly got wind of the Guinness and whiskey glut to come, and must be calmed down before he sustains a nasty Riverdance-related injury. I have now run out of cliches and will leave quietly.