Now, as previously discussed on these very pages, husbands are useful creatures. They are urbane, witty chaps, providing a constant stream of affection, support and intelligent conversation.
*checks to ensure passing husband now gone*
They are also very good at fetching. In fact, Mr Liz lists it on his CV as one his best qualities - "can be sent into Didsbury, or slightly further afield by special arrangement, to collect any takeaway requested, providing it is deep-fried and/or comes in at more than 1000 calories a head."
I am aware that this makes me sound like a mean, hateful creature, but Mr Liz will confirm that it suits him perfectly; he returns 30-45 minutes after dispatch, proudly bearing the food he has hunted and gathered, smelling of beer, and trotting out some half-baked tale about bad traffic/no parking/delay on food order etc etc. But I have finally noticed a flaw in this otherwise harmonious arrangement: the discovery of hitherto unknown menu options.
Tonight, for various reasons, I was forced to turn poacher myself, and seek out dinner for myself and Mr Liz. I chose Foster's Fish & Chips, and placed our normal order for cod and chips, slice of lemon, extra vinegar. And then, the epiphany: as well as fish, they also sell desserts. And not just rubbish, wish-you-hadn't-bothered ones (anyone who has ever been the disappointed recipient of a Mr Punky ice-cream in a pub will know this feeling all too well), but proper, worth-feeding-half-your-fish-to-the-cat-so-you've-got-space-left ones.
*passing cat nods and gives smug "paws up" sign*
Now frankly, this is bad news all round; except for old Mr Fish face licking his whiskers in the corner, that is. Ladies across Manchester hoping to embrace summer in the coming weeks by wearing a short pant, or a cheeky little sleeveless blouson, or - heaven forbid - a BIKINI, are likely to find their plans for slinky skimpiness cruelly derailed by this new turn of events. Fish - yes, MUCH healthier than meat. Chips - erm, yes, vitamin C and, er, fibre. But a portion of chocolate cake so dense and rich that it could almost masquerade as the world's most generous truffle? A portion of cheesecake so light and airy that you accidentally eat that as well as the cake, and then wonder how you might be able to explain this oversight to the husband who has just popped out for an hour or so?
There's only one thing to do; I can't blame the cat this time, or the fictional mouse that lives in our kitchen, existing purely to take the blame for when I've eaten something I shouldn't. So, Mr and Mrs Foster, I'm sorry, but I'm putting this one squarely on you...
- Foster's Fish & Chips can be found in Didsbury and Alderley Edge; puddings are all home-made and cost £3.25 takeout or £3.95 eat-in. Blame them, not me.