Now, I have nothing but admiration for people who are able to fully commit themselves to the dedicated following of fashion. I myself am full of good intentions; I subscribe to Vogue, for goodness sake, and sometimes I even read some of the words as well as look at the lovely shiny pictures. Ultimately though, I fall down in the following areas:
1. Lack of model proportions. I am fully versed in this area of the fashion world, having watched every series of America's Next Top Model, where every so often a poor, overweight girl of ooh, a size 12 or 14 say, pops her head over the parapet to be shot at by all and sundry before being labelled a "plus size model" and voted off around week five. I am five feet eleven inches tall. Hurrah. I am not, however, a size 6, and I have not seen my cheekbones since I was seven.
2. The perils of my profession. I have a wardrobe full of beautiful items, none of which ever gets worn because I am a teacher and therefore need to incorporate a sensible cardigan into every outfit. The other thing I do a lot of is write, a profession taken up for the sole reason that I am do it in my pyjamas.
3. Mobility. I have a weakness for toweringly beautiful shoes, a whole army of which keeps imperious guard over my spare bedroom. Can I walk in any of them? No. Thus they remain marshalled in intimidating ranks, waiting for the day they are called upon to break an ankle or two.
Having said all of this, I was most excited to be invited to the final of The North West Young Designer of the Year 2010, to be held at Manchester's Triangle Shopping Centre tomorrow night. Many of the shoes also got wind of the occasion, and began jostling amongst themselves for the right to take me from front door to cab to venue (via the pavement at some point, no doubt).
And then I looked at the time. The event starts at 6pm, in central Manchester. My last class of the day finishes at 5pm, in North Manchester, and that's without including time for faffing about and checking that one's cardigan is looking just-so. I fear that this is conclusive proof, once and for all: teaching and fashion simply don't mix.
- If you are a glamorous non-teacher then get yourself down to The Triangle, Manchester tomorrow, Tuesday 19th October, at 6pm. This is the fourth year of these prestigious awards featuring horribly talented young people, all under 25 (I was just too old to enter this year, by a month or two or three), and the event is free. Then please send me some kind of precis of the event, telling me what colours my cardigans should be this year. Thanks.